I'm Afraid

I'm going to lose this Ramadhan

This Ramadhan is the hardest one.
Baru kali ini Ramadhan-ku berat.
Ga bisa berhenti memikirkan untuk menyerahkan diriku ke Ponstans 500 (or better, some morphines),
DONT TELL ME IT'S NOT GOOD, I KNOW!
but... kept thinking to take one.

Nobody can help me this time, just me, alone.
Alone to face the world.

May be I should take one tonight, to keep pain away...

Last Night I dreamed of a movie that was starred by Kevin Kline and Hayden Christensen, "Life as a House" and woke up to find myself cant stop thinking about taking drugs to keep away the pains that was given by life to me.

I guess this is the answer from my prays these days.

Bismika, Ya ALLAH, YA Robb...
Jangan Engkau buat aku dan Jangan Engkau biarkan aku menyesali takdir-Mu untukku.
Dan aku memohon pada-Mu agar membantuku supaya IKHLAS menerima takdir-Mu untukku.

So I broke my own promises once again, the one about how I wont write about any prays or my religious events.

Wish I could...
If only I could...